Today's Yoke is the place WebToday readers may post their latest funny. All we ask is that your jokes be in good taste. Thank you.


First Yoke:

Fast Chickens

A man was driving 25 mph, down a country road in Maryland. he noticed a chicken, running alongside his car, all of a sudden the chicken put on a burst of speed, passed the car, and made an abrupt left turn into a lane leading to a farmhouse. Astounded, the driver backed up, and turned down the lane, and found the farmer working in the barnyard. the driver stopped the car and got out and engaged the farmer in friendly conversation. Unable to contain himself, he asked the farmer about the chicken that could run so fast. "Yes, said the farmer...we breed them that way here. They all have three legs!" "Fantastic, said the visitor.....how do they taste??" "Beats me," said the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch one yet!"


The Amazing 3-Legged Pig

This farmer had a rather large three-legged pig. It was brought to the attention of the local newspaper, and a reporter was sent out to interview the farmer.

Tell me, said the reporter, how do you come to have a three-legged pig? Well, said the farmer, this is a valuable pig. One day my four year old son, fell in the pond over there, and this pig went running as fast as could be, and jumped into the pond and pushed my son up onto dry ground.

Well, said the farmer, this is a valuable pig. one night, we heard this squealing and grunting, and banging on our front door. I got up to see what the ruckus was, and the house was on fire. Thanks to the pig, I was able to save my family.

Truly unbelievable, said the reporter, but how does that relate to the pig only having three legs? well, said the farmer,when you have a valuable pig like that, you just don't eat him all at one time!


MOST EMBARRASSING FIRST DATE EVER!

This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays... This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of no where. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, before she ended up going on his front seat.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her date stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became painfully aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered that her buttocks were firmly attached to the car's fender. She attempted to disengage her skin from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a new and very real problem due to the extreme cold.

Her date, still standing guard and shielding his eyes from the sensitive situation, called out to her asking what was taking so long.

Not knowing how to answer, being horrified by her plight, yet aware of the humor of the situation, she said, "I'm freezing my butt off and need some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater . When he saw her predicament he couldn't contain himself and burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed they needed something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the cold, icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded unzipped his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car although for the remainder of the trip home there wasn't much conversation and apparently, despite their "intimate encounter," the two did not see one another again.

As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants down."

...And if you thought your first date was embarrassing, this gives a whole new perspective to the phrases "being peed off."


Atheist Sees the Light--Almost...

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking along the river he heard rustling in the bushes. As he turned, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in.

He tried to run faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run faster, but he tripped and fell. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.

At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!" Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest was silent, the river even stopped. A bright light shone on the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence all these years, teach others I don't exist, and credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever proud, looked to the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well" said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, and the sounds of the forest continued, the bear put his paw down. The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

--Tim J. Kader


Al Gore Debate Satire

Gore: "Jim, I'd like to interrupt here and answer that question as if it were my turn to speak. Jim, let me tell you about a friend of mine. Her name is Etta Munson. She is 94. She's a widow living on Social Security in Sparta, Tennessee.

Etta was born with only one kidney. She also suffers from polio, spinal meningitis, lung, liver and pancreatic cancer. An enlarged heart, diabetes and a rare form of cystic acne. Now, several recent strokes, along with an unfortunate shark attack, have left her paralyzed and missing her right leg under the knee.

Just last week she awoke from a coma to find that due to a hospital mix-up her left arm was amputated, infected with syphilis, and then reattached. As you can imagine, Jim, Etta's prescription drug bills are staggering."

-- The debatable Vice President Gore, as lampooned on "Saturday Night Live" and transcribed by the Hotline.

WebToday Editor's Note: We know we're not getting enough fresh jokes when we still have this Gore joke posted.


9 Months After Roswell

Al Gore was born exactly 9 months after the Roswell, New Mexico incident. Think about it...

--LateNite LeRoy


 

Eight Things that I have learned:


An alternative tax return... (c)Washington Times

Dear IRS:

"Enclosed is my 1999 tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached newspaper article and you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.

Please note the overpayment of $22 and apply it to the Presidential Election Fund, as noted on my return.

Might I suggest you send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw. (See attached article: HUD paid $22 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.


If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth over
again in 2000, He would be wanted by...

the FDA and the BATF for turning water into wine without a license,

the EPA for killing fig trees,

the AMA for practicing medicine without a license,

the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves,
for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness,

the NEA for teaching without a certificate,

the OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and
for flying without an airplane,

the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea,

the NATIONAL BOARD of PSYCHIATRISTS for giving advice
on how to live a guilt-free life,

the NOW for not choosing a woman apostle,

the ABORTION RIGHTS LEAGUE for saying that whoever
harms children, it is better that they had never been born,

the INTER-FAITH MOVEMENT for condemning all other
religions,

and by the ZONING DEPT for building mansions without a
permit.

(From: spiker@amnix.com)


A MOM'S DICTIONARY

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to
make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate
the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing
dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it
and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman
pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...



Why nagging a husband doesn't work

What a wife says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry right now, you'll have no clothes to wear."

What a man hears:

What a husband hears:

blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.


The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every
piece of wood, but find no marijuana and finally leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.

"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep"

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."


David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown
with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an
expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to
try and set a good example...

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. The bird
just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in desperation, hoping to calm
it, David put the parrot in the refrigerator for a few moments. He heard
the bird squawk, then kick and scream -
then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have
hurt the bird and quickly opened the door. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with
my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my
behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask
what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask
what the chicken did?"



Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone
there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how
about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba
and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and
sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and
your friend come right in and join me for lunch! "

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they
leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing
Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour
and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I
was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in
and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is
very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I
can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I
know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on
the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed
toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges
with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he
finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by
paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that man on
the balcony with Bubba?"



A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years.

Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.

After awhile the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?"

"Well, that's my house there."

"What's that next hut?" asks the sailor.

"I built that hut to be my church."

"What about the other hut?"

"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."


 

Did you hear? Chrysler Corporation has decided to add a special commemorative car to its year 2000 car line-up to honor Bill
Clinton.

The new "Dodge Draft" will begin production in Canada later this
year.


 

 

Dear Secretary of Agriculture,

My friends, Darryl and Janice, over at Jonestown, Oklahoma, received a check
the other day for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I
want to go into the "not raising hogs" business myself next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best type of farm not
to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to
be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government
policies. I would prefer not to raise Razor hogs, but if that is not a good
breed not to raise, then I can just as easily not raise Yorkshires or
Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate
inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. If I can get $1,000 for not
raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to
operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 "not
raised" hogs, which will give me $80,000 income the first year. Then I can
buy an airplane.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels
of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and
wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to
feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started not
feeding as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good time of the year to
not raise hogs and grain.

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any
information on that also. In view of these circumstances, I understand
that the government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to file
for unemployment and food stamps as well.

Be assured that you will have my vote in the coming elections.

Patriotically yours,

Buster Benton

PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?


You know you are a northener when:

The sound of Fran Drescher's voice doesn't bother you.

You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're afraid to go on a
camping trip. Ever.

For breakfast, you'd rather have potatoes than grits.

You can name at least 4 hockey teams.

You don't know what a moon pie is.

You've never eaten Okra.

You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun & knife show.

You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.

You've never had grain alcohol.

You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

You've never had bangs.

You'd rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his
own TV fishing show.

You refer to two or more people as "yous guys" instead of "y'all."

You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

You prefer a bagel over a donut.

You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob,
Kay Bob, Bob Bob)

You get freaked out when strangers in public talk to you.

You don't know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.

You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for...(something)

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

Your idea of a perfect meal is "Lahbsta and Clam Chowdah."

You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year.

Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV.

You don't "reckon."

You're not "fixin" to do anything.

You don't carry a pocket knife.

You don't know how to sharpen a knife to a razor's edge.

You own 2 guns or less.

You noticed that Northener is misspelled.


Three went out. Two came back...

Three preachers met during the course of a confidential retreat.

The three bonded quickly and decided to take a small fishing boat into the middle of the lake.

During the outing, the first preacher decided to confide in the others saying, "I must confess that the reason I'm here is because I have a drinking problem."

The second preacher, gaining courage from the candidness of the first, confided, "The reason I'm here is because I have a problem womanizing."

At this point, the third preacher could barely contain himself, blurting out, "I don't have a problem with women, drugs, drinking, chewing, gambling, chewing-- did I say chewing already? ...lying, cheating, stealing, blaspheming, coveting, fornicating or adulterating. (Taking a deep breath), but since you two have been so open and honest with me, I feel I must share with you my single weakness: ... I just can't keep my mouth shut!"

...Two preachers emerged from the boat to resume their retreat.


A man accused of impersonating a congressman was sentenced to nine years in prison. "Several major errors gave him away. He was still married to his first wife, he wrote a check that didn't bounce, and he'd never been stopped for drunk driving."

--Submitted by Jerry Perisho


TAXPAYER'S LAMENT

Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas
Tax his notes, Tax his cash;
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax.
We'll still collect inheritance tax.


 

Subject: Virus Warning (far worse than "Melissa!")

If you see a message on the boards with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. It will rewrite your back-up files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretation of key sentences.

Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer (20' range at 72-161 degrees Fahrenheit).

It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend/husband/wife your new phone number.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.

It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear 1940's hits and static while stuck in traffic.

It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

"Badtimes" will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

"Badtimes" will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole.

It is insidious and subtle.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs. Be very, very afraid.

and...PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

--Submitted by: allent@applique.dh.trw.com at LMSMIME


And we saved this longest submission for last. It's sort of a joke...

BILL - THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES

As I was making my daily journey to the Post Office the other day, I
patiently waited for a car to vacate a parking space near the door. As the
rear of the vehicle came toward me, I noticed a bumper sticker, which read,
in big, bold letters, "THANK ME. I VOTED CLINTON-GORE."

Pondering the message of the brave, stubborn soul in the car ahead of me, I
considered all the things I could be thankful for as a result of the
Clinton-Gore regime. Indeed, I discovered the list was long and varied.

Thank you for reminding us that the government that gave us the Internal
Revenue Service and welfare also lusts for control of the greatest
healthcare system in the world.

Thank you for reminding us that the FBI, who has a file on millions of
Americans, including myself, can give those files to people powerful enough
to demand them.

Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica
Lewinski and about two dozen other names that we might not have met and
known otherwise.

Thank you for allowing a WAR HERO and the author of one of the most
successful military campaigns in history to leave the presidency because, no
matter how successful he was, we, in all our moral outrage, just wouldn't
tolerate someone who would lie to the American people by promising "no new
taxes" and then going back on his word. We certainly can't have a liar in
the White House, now can we?

Thank you for giving us a President who discusses his choice of underwear
with teenagers. We always wondered if presidents wore boxers or briefs.

Thank you for installing a man who reminds us of those good old days of pot
smoking (without inhaling, of course) and war PROTESTING.

Thank you for showing us that the ridiculous plot of the movie, "Wag the
Dog," could really be plausible after all.

Thank you for showing all the men and women in America that sexual activity
in the workplace, and on the job, is okay as long as it involves powerful
middle-age executives and the young women half their age under their power.
It is, after all, a "private matter."

Thank you for revealing that the agenda of the National Organization of
Women only includes some women. Women like Anita Hill and not women like
Paula Jones, Monica Lewinski, et. al.

Thank you for allowing us to come to the realization that "sexual relations"
is not clearly defined after all. And all these years, I thought that "oral
sex" really had something to do with sex. Imagine! Or is it Oral Sex when
you talk about it?

Thank you for reintroducing the concept of "impeachment" to a new generation
that missed the discussion surrounding it the last time it was brought up.

Thank you for curing me of my addiction to the evening news.

Thank you for reminding us that, when all is said and done, "CHARACTER"
really, really DOES matter.

And, in comparison to recent days:

Thank you for making Dan Quayle look like the Rhodes Scholar.
Thank you for making Jimmy Carter look competent.
Thank you for making Gerald Ford look graceful.
Thank you for making Richard Nixon look honest.
Thank you for making Lyndon Johnson look truthful.
Thank you for making John Kennedy look moral.
Thank you for making Al Gore look positively presidential.
Thank you for reminding us of the importance of term limits.

And really, thank you not once, but twice! Why, if not for YOU, instead of
the current, interesting discussion all over the television networks and
newspapers, we would be focused on a whole slew trivial matters such as
global defense, the economy, nukes in North Korea, genocide in Africa, the
containment of terrorism, and all those other boring topics.

So, thank you, thank you, thank you! Oh, and if you voted for Ross Perot,
thank you, too. You deserve just as much of the credit as my friend with the
bumper sticker.

 

Since Bill Clinton took office, here are some of the "GOOD" things that have
happened:

 

72 House and Senate witnesses have plead the fifth.
17 witnesses have fled the country to avoid testifying.
19 foreign witnesses have refused to be interviewed by US investigative
bodies.
19 charges from Whitewater investigations.
14 convictions from Whitewater investigations.
98 imprisonment's from Whitewater investigations.
55 total charges in all Clinton scandals.
32 total convictions (so far) in all Clinton scandals.
14 total imprisonment's (so far) in all Clinton scandals.
938 overnight stays at the White House for Clinton supporters.
62 House of Representative seats that have changed from Democrat to
Republican.
12 Senate seats that have changed from Democrat to Republican.
13 Governorships that have changed from Democrat to Republican
1,200 state legislative seats that have changed from Democrat to Republican
353 elected Democrats who have switched parties since Clinton took office.

Yes, it's been an interesting six years for "the most ethical administration
in the history of the Republic." But then ... everybody knows it's ALL the
fault of the "Vast right-wing conspiracy." Go figure...!

 

Now, Email us your yoke!

 

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