If this column proves to be written "tongue in cheek," it’s only because I have a hearty slab of sirloin wedged just out of sight between my "eye teeth."

Yes, today we’re talking about "mad cow" disease, the vegetarian’s answer to "What’s for dinner?"

A couple years back when the debilitating and ultimately deadly disease popped up inside some British cattle (and a few limeys unfortunate enough to consume a contaminated pot pie), English authorities took unprecedented action to prevent its spread.

It was a Hereford holocaust. Cattle from one end of the isle to the other were headed for the last round-up. But the containment efforts were too late to prevent the disease from popping up on the continent.

Cases began to be reported in France…then Germany.

Now, there are fears the spongiform malady that creates tunnels through the brain broad enough to contain a "liberal" idea may be trying to make inroads on this side of the big pond.

Health officials are expressing an outward confidence bordering on bravado that their ban on the import of European cattle and bone meal products and the outlawing of blood donations from Britons may be sufficient to prevent Americans from contracting the human "mad cow" variant Creutzfeld-Jakob disease.

But we may be facing a few "Homegrown" health crises of our own. Hunters from six western U.S. states who have consumed deer or elk meat recently are apparently at risk of catching the mad cow copycat "wasting disease." Sheep infected with "scrapie" and sick mink may also pose problems down the line.

The truth of the matter may not be revealed for years to come. Scientists say the ailment can take decades to manifest, maim and murder.  We can't help but wonder if the "prions" responsible for causing mad cow disease might not be killed if our scientists and politicans would only reconsider the nuclear irradiation of our food.   But we'll leave that for the experts to sort out.

Meanwhile, "mad cow" hysteria has gripped "the continent" tighter than a Manchester milkmaid. Germans, looking for meaty alternatives, are serving up pork burgers and horsewurst sandwiches. The French…well, you never know what’s hiding under that thick cream sauce.

Me? It’s gonna take a lot more than an outside risk of brain drain in the year 2021 to make me trade in my T-bones for tofu. The only reservations I have about eating beef can be found at the Outback Steakhouse.

You can order the bloomin’ onion, mate.

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