Web Opinion by Todd Beezley

Happy News Year

Whenever I want a good chuckle, I stand in line at the supermarket checkout counter and read the tabloid headlines. You know the ones.

"Mother Gives Birth to 9 Pound 8 Ounce Elbow"

"Tenured Parrot Teaches Quantum Physics"

or…

"Major League Baseball Players Threaten Strike for 8 Inning Games"

I never seem to scare up the cash to actually buy any of the issues. That always struck me as a waste of good money. Anyway, the headlines say it all.

But the worst tabloid issues of the year are those that feature psychic predictions for the New Year. They are always, always, wrong.

A blind man shooting finless darts from a revolving door would have a better chance of hitting his target.

Honestly, did any of them predict that a President would take office after winning an election by such a narrow margin that it nearly caused a constitutional crisis?

Which of our stalwart futurists forecast the Islamic massacres of 9-11 and the toppling of the twin Trade Towers?

Who foresaw the opening act of a war on terrorism that would rout militant Muslims and install their replacements in less than 90 days?

Come to think of it, who expected Geraldo Rivera to ditch the desk job and report for duty in Afghanistan for Fox News, of all people?

It has been a crazy year, alright…filled with mayhem in the Middle East, earthquakes around the globe and on Wall Street…biological warfare and saber-rattling in Southern Asia.

The U.S. and China almost came to blows over a spy plane incident. North Korea threatened to dismember their cousins in the south. And Alaskans celebrated Christmas week temperatures that peaked at 40 degrees Farenheit plus.

Enron and Argentina both collapsed. Applied Digital Solutions backtracked on their promise and decided to market an implanted microchip that amazingly resembles the Bible’s "mark of the beast." And the Bush Administration chipped away at our Constitutional freedoms under the guise of fighting its war on terrorism.

Well, since I have absolutely no psychic powers and am trying this for entertainment purposes only, here is my list of predictions for 2002.

1. A world leader will either die in office, be forced to resign or be caught lying to his constituents.
2. Somewhere in America, a mass murder will occur and the neighbors will say, "I don’t understand. He seemed like such a nice man."
3. President Bush will propose a piece of legislation that will be blocked by the Democratic Congress.
4. Every major television network will be forced to cancel at least one prime time show due to low ratings.
5. Somewhere in the world there will be a war, an earthquake and a famine.
6. The Surgeon General will either impose or revoke a health warning.
7. The Chicago Cubs will not win the World Series.
8. Music will continue to be created without decipherable lyrics, melody or reason.
9. Investors will both gain and lose money on Wall Street.
10. The sun will rise in the east and set in the west.

I realize I’m sticking my neck out making these over the top prognostications but how else could I audition for a job with the National Enquirer?

Seriously, all of us at Web Today wish you and yours a safe and blessed New Year.

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